Pages from a Oathbreaker

[gordan]

I didn't want this

I didn't want any of that

I never wanted to be a homeless bastard, nor a traitor, I never wanted to break vows and betray the one I loved.

all I wanted was to be considered worthy in the arrogance that I was already worthy.

but I wasn't,

I wasn't worthy of anything, deserving and being worthy are not the same thing and I understood it too late,

I will never be a knight, I have to accept it, I have to accept that that being I called father was right, I should never have been born.

but now I'm here, in this world that doesn't want me, and I don't know what to do with this disgusting life of mine

Niamh

she hates me

and she does well

Aedan deserves hate, disgust, betrayal, he deserves death, and I am too cowardly to give it to him

maybe a lucky goblin will succeed, or a drow, a pirate, someone will be able to give him what he truly deserves

until then-

[gordan]

I moved on to Bendir
a halfling commented on my helmet, and I replied, asking if I worshiped a bird deity.

I told him I don't serve any god

Sune, I still feel your embrace on me, but why? I followed my heart I made my life of your teachings, and I lost everything.

I have to stop blaming my fate on higher powers, good is not weak

I am.

The Bendirians showed me compassion, but I don't deserve it. but I wanted it, I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream my pain at the rain and the moon.

and I left.

I've been around, looking for purpose, I tried to ask the Radiants

my months old explanation is still on their list

never been contacted

minmir wants to hire mercenaries

I had to lay siege to that place back in the day, that was the plan

I can not do that

They're Arthag's friends, aren't they? the pirate worm.

yet they offer everything I've ever wanted

can you trust them?

do you trust yourself?

[gordan]

After helping some men in Minmir I returned to Bendir to use the banker's services, and that's where Marie Cain stopped me... she's a fantastic woman, she'd only met me three times before that day, and yet she treated me as if I were the dearest of all. friends.

Lilly who helped me in the past joined the conversation, I explained everything once again, pointing out that the Nhul are everywhere and that I can't sit still.

I didn't even need time to prove my theory, princes and lady Nhul entered the tavern, asking to use the druidic circle for their wedding cursed by goddess Sune.

did they recognize me? I'm afraid so, but they avoided me.

Lilly took me away to Myon, and merciful gods now I finally understand why Lady Maya loves that place. I thought Myon was a city of gold, ancient statues, military towers.

I was wrong.

it seems like a quiet village among the trees, with a peace and tranquility almost out of this world, if only it wasn't the place closed to us inferiors, it would be--

It does not matter.

Lilly told me about the opportunities I can follow, that my life is not over.

yet seems to me it is.

send me a sign Sune.

give me a reason to justify my faith.

tell me that my life was not lived in vain.

I demand attention.

I ask you to explain.

I'm begging you

give some sense to all this pain

[gordan]

What is going on?

A pirate? Has she always been a pirate? and she offered me to join her? a fantastic offer, adventure, riches, respect, power.

All a man could want, and all I have to do, is break my last oath, the one I made to my mother, to be a good man.

I can't continue like this. I returned to Cordor for a moment and Fiona approached me, spitting all her contempt and disapproval in my face, I deserve her hatred, I was cruel to her, she doesn't deserve hatred, she is a good woman, she obeys orders.

If she had the elves under her command nothing would have happened.

They are everywhere, everywhere I go the black and red shadow of Nhul haunts me, they are growing.

and I'm alone

I have to ask for help,

[gordan]

I do not know what to do.

I can't join the pirates, it would be the last stone on the grave of my honor, I fought for my reputation, I don't want to kill it completely.

Bendir is a wonderful place, the people are social, nice, good, I would like to live there, I would be happy there, but I couldn't become a knight.

Cordor is my home now, but Nhul is growing in power and any house that would take me would earn their hatred, Myst doesn't care, but among shadovars-

Then we have Minmir, the radiant order, I tried to contact them over and over again, nothing, my application is still on their board for months, no response.

And I'm not convinced they would accept someone like me.

And then Niamh

Niamh

Niamh, my love, elven priestess fair,
With eyes of mystery and dark hair,
Your grace and beauty, a sight to behold,
But now, my heart is heavy and cold.

For you let me gone away,
Leaving me with memories, day by day,
Your gentle touch, your soothing voice,
Now only echoes, making my heart sink.

But oh, how I miss you, my dear,
Your presence, like a warm, comforting sphere,
Your were like a fire, burning bright,
Guiding me through the darkest night.

My days are empty, without your smile,
My nights, so lonely, without your beguile,
For you were my everything, my reason to be,
And now, my heart aches, endlessly.

But I hold on to the hope, that one day,
You will return, and with you, my heart will sway,
For Niamh, my love, you are my everything,
And without you, my heart can never truly sing.

Niamh, my love, elven priestess fair,
With every passing moment, I feel you near,
For our love, like magic, will never die,
And with that thought, I'll continue to--




I have to make a decision.

choose well for once

[gordan]

They called me a stalker,

I followed Sune's teachings, I followed my heart, and I made sure that others could follow it

I was wrong,

Sune lied

.............

Bane was right

Fear

respect

power

these are the only things that matter,

these are the way to happiness, not love, love is weak, pathetic, subile, power is eternal, majestic, it is what leaves you an inheritance, a name of which you can be worthy, the name of a tyrant
.........

*lines of ink are made over the last prases *

what am I writing?
IM becoming crazy
Am I crazy already?

people who don't know me hate me, Nhul ruined my reputation, and Castemont, that filthy aasimar did nothing to help me, not after all I did for him

Now I understand Roffin
I understand the desire to betray

to send everyone to hell

and to conquer one's place among the forces of evil.

I would like to do it too

I want to do it

why be good if it only gives you hate?

because I made a promise

my first promise

I am a good man, Aedan is my name, and on my mother's name, I will be a good man.


Stand your ground, noble knight
Do not falter, do not take flight
For they may mock you, hate you, despise
But you are the shield, under the rainy skies

They may insult you, with words unkind
But you are strong, with a brave mind
Your armor may be dented and worn
But your spirit remains, unshaken and untorn

You are the defender, of the weak and frail
With your sword and shield, you will prevail
Against all odds, you will stand tall
For you are the protector, of those who call

The rain may pour, and the winds may howl
But you will not waver, you will not cower
For you are the one, who holds the line
Against all darkness, you will shine

Your honor and courage, cannot be broken
For you are the chosen, the mighty token
Of justice and righteousness, you are the symbol
Standing firm, in the face of all trouble

So do not heed, the naysayers' words
For they do not know, the strength that you hold
Stand your ground, noble knight
For you are the shield, under the rainy skies.

[gordan]

I joined the guards of Guldorand,

It's definitely not what I wanted to do, but Lora says it'll be good for me, the people seem decent, I think I can survive like this

certainly living and surviving are not the same things.

Niamh,

I saw her, I tried to-

They called me Stalker, Perverse, Dishonorable.

This is what happens to those who follow their heart? Is this what happens to those who follow Lady Firehair's teachings?

I don't want anything to do with her anymore.

The heart is a sensitive and lying thing

I don't trust him anymore

[gordan]

For a secret organization they are sadly easy to find


and I shouldn't write anything else, sorry diary but I can't allow you to fall into the wrong hands

anyway, it's too easy

[gordan]

First she says that I bow to Bane's will, and then that I'm not a Banite, does she know it or not?

Avoid her

Nothing good can come from her,

She believe me and Syclya are a couple?

are we?

no

We surrender in eachother embrace because of similiar past and burdens, but must be just that , is lust, not love, we are not a thing, she cant love me, she love only herself.

There was a time where i made a promise to not bed with a woman until wedding, and now you accept the arms of concubines as a mean to ease my pain

I'm pathetic

Godless and pathetic




A deity is blessing me, i can feel it

Is not Sune

Yet i do not know who it is

and it scare me

i fear it

who?

Who is blessing me?