Dear Mom, My Life is Crazy

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Nevrus
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Dear Mom, My Life is Crazy

Post by Nevrus » Sun Dec 01, 2019 7:02 am

This island is completely insane!

On just one little hunk of rock they have swamps, jungles, forests, plains, multiple castles, and everything wants to kill everything else!

I mean that literally. All of the animals outside of the towns are unbelievably aggressive. Me and my friends once watched an eagle face off against three deer. It managed to kill two of them before getting gored to death.

Every inch below surface level is crawling with monsters and bandits. And I mean, an unreasonable amount of bandits. How can a band of one hundred thieves live off of an island with a total population less than Waterdeep? How can not two, not three, but five different bands of around the same size survive? It baffles me. But they're mostly dead now!

Oh yeah, I've gotten as good at fighting as you are already! By the end of next year, you probably won't recognize me when I take my trip back home! Turns out that when you're engaged in combat every day you tend to pick it up fast, or die. I'm clearly still alive!

I did actually manage to find Sir Berenor, and it only took me a tenday! He's as impressive in a fight as I imagined, but he's pretty busy, because he's the Chancellor of Cordor now. I'm still his squire but he hasn't really... Taught me anything of value yet. It's starting to get under my skin. I'm starting to consider demanding some attention, because I need his wisdom if I don't want to make mistakes.

I've made lots of other friends, too! There's the regal Cecilia Agani, who's bad at dealing with people but sure is trying, and the devout Helena Caldwell, a priestess of Ilmater who's bad at reading the room but sure is trying, and the skullful Abigail Arnise who's great with a staff and sneaking around and stuff! And the bashful Emilia and her sister Andrea, who are nobles trying to get strong enough to stand on their own, and the 'Harvester' Serana Soviri who doesn't have emotions but is super scary with a scythe and kind of scares me and doesn't seem to understand anything about life outside of fighting and probably has a really sad story about how she got to adulthood without knowing any of this stuff but it'll probably be too sad and she won't understand how sad it is and that will make me sad so I'm PUTTING THAT OFF FOR A FUTURE DATE!

And my senior student Sir Baldric, who's nearly as good as Sir Berenor but just lacks his experience! I'm joining his Order of the Stranger to protect roads and stuff! There's also the really nice Sithra Hhune - a friend of Cecilia's that got enslaved and we came together to get her out of the hands of AN ENTIRE CITY OF DROW and then get an UNBREAKABLE MAGIC COLLAR removed from her just earlier today! This is all working out!

Except for the warlock I accidentally entered a demonic blood pact with who killed one of Sir Berenor's former students, and who I'm looking over my shoulder for all the time, but I'm making moves to deal with that!

Please don't be mad

please

please

I'm new at this

please mom

it'll be taken care of by the time I take the trip home I promise

please
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Re: Dear Mom, My Life is Crazy

Post by Nevrus » Fri Dec 06, 2019 7:35 am

Life has a way of taking your hopes, dreams, and expectations, and throwing them off a cliff.

I expected my first few years on this island would be spent engaging in grand adventures to overcome whatever threat reared its head, and then learning how to handle the challenges to come from a legendary mentor. I hoped that whatever problem was thrown my way I'd find a way to deal with it and make things better. I expected constant forward momentum, to inspire those around me with my deeds and honor, to do what it took to do the right thing.

Instead I got tricked by a warlock, learned nothing from my mentor, and got made to carry thousands and thousands of pounds of rock for the crime of being taken in by a master manipulator in my first year on the job, destroying my body in the process. I spent the last two months in pain, but thanks to Helena and Serana I'm doing better now, and am almost back to my old self, at least physically. I was a wreck.

The entire time, I asked myself what the lesson to learn was that I hadn't already learned within five seconds of realizing I'd been had. I came up with a lot of answers; it was to inure me to pain, to train up my willpower, to test my actual faith to the cause, to let me show my true contrition to the Maimed One. I was focused on this to help me get through the task, knowing that only my will would see me through it; I knew immediately my body wouldn't make it through in one piece. I'm hin, after all!

But I never quite figured out what I did which was less than the best I could with what I knew. When I asked Berenor what oath I had broken, he couldn't even remember- even though he put this titanic punishment on me for it. His only response was that I hadn't followed his orders to stay away from this particular warlock, and when I told him I didn't know who or what I was dealing with until it was too late, and that I had been coerced into the arrangement in the first place...

He admitted he was wrong, I had done my best, and my punishment was unwarranted.

I did learn a lesson from all this; from my refusal to heed my friends' true words that this was nonsense, from Serana trying to tempt me into solving my problems by cheating, from coming to the realization that my personal hero was more interested in romancing my friend - who's about my age, mind you - than actually passing down wisdom of how to grapple with difficult situations like the one I faced.

I can't keep trusting everyone without them earning it. I need to recognize when it's earned and reward it; and recognize when it's only expected and withhold it. I don't ever want to get in over my head again. I don't want to let a situation I don't understand lie. I don't want to do what's best for others without considering what's best for me- there needs to be a balance.

This ordeal has granted me wisdom only achievable through suffering, but that was never what it was intended to do. The warlock only sought to take advantage of me; Berenor only sought to see a problem solved without considering his agent's capabilities or... even general size.

I'm one ritual of some sort or another away from getting back to where I was before this all started, but I like to think I'll be ahead; I lost two months of actual practice at fighting but gained a great deal of insight I lacked before.

I'm starting to see your point in that I should have just focused on kicking butt and left the complicated things to more conniving people. I'll use more discretion in determining what problems I want to make mine.

I look forward to your next letter, and to when I get to see you again!

P.S. The cloak you gave me got shredded by putting too many rocks on it. I'm sad.
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Re: Dear Mom, My Life is Crazy

Post by Nevrus » Sun Jan 12, 2020 8:28 am

I've been trying to use more discretion in what problems I make mine but now problems are using discretion in making themselves my problems.

I've fallen in with a wonderful group called the Order of the Stranger. We are trying our best but everything is so beyond us on this island that it sometimes seems hopeless.

The most annoying creature haunting us is Scabface, a goblin that's unfairly good at fighting and keeps kidnapping people. Even when he's killed he just crawls back up to attack the next person he comes across, again and again. I'm training to counteract his strengths but it will be years before I'll be able to do anything about him other than passively watch and pay him ransoms. I wish there were problems within my reach; they're only within my sight.

I broke that warlock Neli Ore's curse on me. She later returned and killed the leader of the Order. I've heard nothing of her since, but that's one that I must confront myself. She's evil to the core and the kind of thing I'm supposed to be fighting, but I don't know how to even begin doing so. Every time she shows up I need to yell at people to not speak the dread name Pazuzu out loud lest his attention be drawn.

My friend Serana got in a lot of trouble, and then even more trouble. I was used to hurt her. I had no choice but to be used to hurt her if I was going to save her. She decided to oppose an infernalist that was tempting her named Charlotte Crowe, and got beaten and magicked nearly to death, and lost two limbs. The real torture was Crowe's goading of me to save her. She defeated me and Serana both, utterly, by making impossible demands, so I would fail to help Serana. Getting Serana to hate me and be let down by me- but the only way I could get them to let her go and not kill her was to play their game and fail. I fear Serana's going to try to kill me once she's recovered.

My only source of sanity is my half-orc friend Tug, who has a beautiful soul and a desire to help that surpasses my own. She doesn't over-complicate things, and earnestly works hard while being nice to everyone. As long as I'm with her I feel like I'm not crazy for thinking that most other people make things harder than they need to be for everyone around them.

The choice standing before me is whether to seek vengeance for all the wrongs happening around me, or to let go and focus on protecting what I can. If I'm with the Strangers I won't be leading an army down below to where all of these evils live. We only protect, we don't attack.

...For now?

Send money. I own a house now and the rent is insane.
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Re: Dear Mom, My Life is Crazy

Post by Nevrus » Mon Jan 20, 2020 7:12 am

By Tyr, my heart races, and I needed to send these feelings off into the world, to prove I had them.

Nothing is going as I expected. I had to assume far more authority than I was expecting and now I'm the LEADER of the Order of the Stranger. I have the barest idea of what I want to do and all my members are scarce to find and the Coronal of the local elves was mean to me and I promoted Tug, bless her heart, and then she DISAPPEARED.

And then sent signs of her existence a tenday later. I think she's lost her memory. I promoted her to my second-in-command and now she's hurt and in pain and I Just want to find her but she can't be found with divining magic and seems to only barely remember me and WHY IS THIS HAPPENING

My dear mother, I came to this island to KICK EVIL RUMPS and so far all I've managed to accomplish is get my heart broken every month by some new atrocity inflicted upon my friends and the people I'm supposed to protect. It's non-stop. It's maddening. I've taken to fighting constantly, dreaming of the vengeances I will bring about when I've the strength, because I feel useless and powerless, and I've told everyone as much but still they look to ME, barely old enough to even call myself an adult, to make everything better.

You know what I need to make everything better?

TUG.

She is my one rope to anything resembling normalcy, and for the last week, I've been afraid I lost her. I don't know what would have happened if I had. There's too many feelings. Sadness, wrath, loneliness, it's overwhelming and I'm just making it all up as I go along and it's too much but I need to somehow be JUST ENOUGH for too much and I don't know how anyone has done it before!

Maybe they all just did what I do, and pretended everything was okay while screaming into their pillows when no one's around?

As I lay on my big paladin bed in my big paladin castle annointed as a Senior Knight of the RADIANT HEART which I am half the age needed to qualify for the main branch, writing this letter, I want to stop feeling for a while. Maybe I should take after my friend Amalia and just numb my brain to experience the falsity of peace I project to the world myself?

I'm starting to believe that I need some fiery vengeance. I think that would make me actually feel better. Can you deliver fiery vengeance overseas? I KNOW you brag that you can talk to angels. C'mon. Put in a good word with the Blind guy to help your kid out.
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Re: Dear Mom, My Life is Crazy

Post by Nevrus » Wed Jan 29, 2020 8:36 am

Am I becoming strong or am I becoming weak?

Sailing the seas of tragedy has inured me to its vicious winds.

When Sir Baldric fell, I was angry. I was angry and powerless and there was nothing for me to do with the anger. I eventually let go, and it's never returned. I don't have the energy to be angry anymore because it's a hollow feeling.

When Tug was returned to us, she was broken in mind and body. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry but I'm a paladin and a friend and I had a job to do and someone else who was looking for her got kidnapped during the search and I was managing my friend's recovery (which, by the grace of the Broken God, I managed to assist with at extreme personal pain), and after Tug was as whole as we were going to make her, I met with the kidnappers to pay a ransom. Upon seeing the hurt that my charge, Maya, was in- I didn't feel her suffering. After all I went through, I didn't have the energy to relate to suffering anymore because it's a hollow feeling.

Serana turned out to be a committed pirate and a cultist of Asmodeus. When others challenged her on this in front of me she admitted to it all and threatened to take her own life if I told her to, or dismiss all making her wrongs right if I did not - so I did. It felt wrong, and it felt right. This person that I believed was my friend for three years, who was always trying to tempt me away from my own values... Was she my enemy the whole time? No, she felt something for me, among her unfeeling malaise of mental defect. I was the only person she felt anything about, out of more than just a sense of obligation. But when I saw her with her scythe to her neck, proudly admitting her eternal service to evil... I didn't have the energy to feel pity anymore because it's a hollow feeling.

Part of me wants to cry but the tears won't come. An aasimar paladin told me that it meant I was becoming a "Soldier" but I don't like the sound of that. A soldier is a tool someone else uses, which expects itself to be used and discarded if necessary. I don't want to be a soldier. I want to be me, more of me, the better of me.

As I suffer, I understand that those I oppose suffer. I will inevitably inflict suffering on them commensurate with the suffering they inflict upon others. As I learn to swallow my own suffering to have the will to even stand up, I stop caring about their suffering. I stop caring about the suffering of others.

The pain is bearable but I miss the hurt. I wonder if this is what Sir Berenor meant when he said he had lost some of his humanity. A strategist I met told me that his weakness was his inability to accept losses. Am I better, if I'm completely apathetic to them?

I can still laugh. I can still find joy. I'm so lucky that all the terrible things that seek me out break someone else on their way. I just have to pick up the pieces.

I sought Justice so that I might never again feel helpless like I did that day I found my favorite baker gutted in an alley, when I first felt the Call. Yet still I feel so helpless that I unquestioningly accept it.

I'm working to change that. To make a difference. To be the bulwark, thwart the scheme, stop the villain, alongside my cadre of fellow meddlers. So far the closest I've come to preventing suffering is having one who would inflict it act as their own judge. I have mended suffering, I have soothed it, but...

What will happen if all this work amounts to nothing? What else will I lack the energy to feel?

I hope your Waterdhevian adventures go well. I also will reiterate for the first time in nearly four years that I do not want to be a big sister at this point in my life.

With love, your favorite daughter,
Oathkeeper Aura Bigstep

P.S. I don't know if they have mithril dust over there but if you find any ship it my way, I need it more than you

Drow archmages and orog warchieftains are bigger fish than smugglers mom
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Re: Dear Mom, My Life is Crazy

Post by Nevrus » Tue Feb 18, 2020 8:40 am

Can I be happy and do my job?

Can I do my job and be happy?

I mean, you can. You have time for hobbies. Your problems are small and you're more than enough for them and when you deal with them they go away, locked up in jail or executed.

My problems come to me, in my sleep. Literally.

My problems come to my friends and take them away from me.

My problems won't go away no matter how much I kill them. I don't even pretend they will. I have no power except to minorly inconvenience them in hopes that whatever unfortunate soul was in their warpath doesn't get taken.

There is no satisfaction in what I do, because I understand it. It's... A job. Like rat-catching on a bigger scale. Can never get rid of all the rats, just have to keep cleaning them out when you spot them, forever, until you die or quit.

And that's the best we can hope to do.

And these rats do not make an appearance once a year, or once a month. Every day a new nest sends a scurrying rat-king of devilry up at us, and if we don't do anything about it, someone will get hurt. If we do something about it, we still might get hurt. As time goes on, the chances of us getting hurt infinitely approaches one hundred percent. I should get a wizard to do the math on the likelihood of my suffering over time. Need to write down dates for that, though.

A man called Tymirius asked me what was wrong with me earlier today. I told him, and he understood. He wanted to help, but there was little he could do, and we both knew that. We spend so much time helping others that we don't have the time to help ourselves, or any means by which others could help us, other than taking the load off our shoulders.

And to do that means to accept the endless harms that will inevitably result.

What is a paladin? Someone who loses so someone else can lose less, and calls it a win. But I know I couldn't be anything else because I know what would happen if I wasn't putting the work in. I always calculate the potential damage of my inaction and I never like the result.

I know if I walk away from Ore, the world is doomed. I know if Emma gets taken out, the world is doomed. I'm in way over my head but I'm still a better swimmer than everyone else.

I want to know joy again, but I can't afford to seek it. I'm not allowed to seek it. The gods of Good conspire to give me responsibility, the gods of Evil suffering.

I wish Helena Caldwell, the Ilmateri, was still around. She might be able to help... More likely she'd try to get me to pray the pain away. Do I have pain? I once prayed the pain to me. The most spectacular miracle I've ever witnessed and it was at my expense.

I've long passed my wit's end. I hope I can return to it eventually.

I still don't even have a boyfriend. I think they can smell the crazy. Maybe I should start wearing perfume.

Your only daughter to my knowledge at the time of this writing,
Aura

P.S. Cordor has really good peanut butter cookies. Almond cookies are far inferior. I feel the need to tell this to everyone, because apparently some people don't know.
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Re: Dear Mom, My Life is Crazy

Post by Nevrus » Mon Mar 02, 2020 10:14 am

I'm better.

I took some time away. I had to, out of necessity, to figure out how to fix a mysterious magical ailment. Just reading books and drinking tea for a month straight, hashing out how I'd do it.

Stepping away, getting some distance, it's enough to see the bigger picture, without the smaller picture kicking down your door every day.

I wasn't happy because I didn't give myself the chance to be happy.

I was getting so wrapped up in the negatives because I stopped making the positives. They wanted me to be miserable, broken, listless.

But the best paladin that is Aura is the paladin that is Aura, not the paladin that is Berenor, the paladin that is Baldric, the paladin that is Aremis or Mather. All righteous people, but not me.

What can I do that they can't?

It was Neli Ore, the witch, upon her return, who told me my problem. She told me "my new personality was depressing." It kind of was.

Aremis told me something clearly, that I had long forgotten, what my purpose as a paladin was: To inspire people to become something more.

My goal in life is to become the wind that blows all ships towards the port of good. I can't do that if I'm a sadsack nervous wreck grumbling about getting fifty alerts of trouble in a day.

So, I've decided to allow myself something: Fun.

Others stand up to the darkness with compassionate pleas for it to stop.
Others stand up to the darkness with righteous wrath and unstoppable fury.
Others stand up to the darkness with propriety, honor, and knightly conduct.
I must embrace who I am. I'm a hin, and I'm young, and just getting started.

So I've decided to start laughing in its face.

Hopefully I can get others to laugh alongside me.

I'm pretty happy. Bad things happen but I have a whole lot of friends backing me up. More people keep joining the Order. I'm getting on better and better terms with the big-wigs around the island.

I met a nice Arvoreen paladin boy and he's really strong and hansome

I'm capable, surrounded by good people, and the tides are all in my favor right now.

I can keep this going if I retain my wits!

...Reading through the last few letters I sent it's really sad. I want to give myself a hug. I am giving myself a hug.

Oh! I forged this really awesome armor that I made only live in my prayers! And a celestial gold sword! It's kind of weird to imagine that relics like these are made by people but I just up and made them because I wanted them. I try not to overthink it. Tyr's on my side and lets me have these things because I'm putting them to good use.

The struggle to get better, to be enough... Finally seems to have abated. Now it's just a struggle to use my talents well.
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Re: Dear Mom, My Life is Crazy

Post by Nevrus » Sat Aug 22, 2020 8:42 pm

It's been a while since I've written, huh?

Just two years ago I left to return to this insane island. I hope Waters is doing well.

I'm happier now. I'm keeping things simpler and walking on my own two feet. No more leading small armies or trying to solve all of the world's problems. One at a time, with the least force necessary.

My training is progressing well. I managed to pull off the glowing-eyes trick, and that makes the monks who actually learned from monasteries claim I have 'achieved enlightenment.' I don't feel terribly enlightened more than before I pulled it off, which leads me to conclude I may have cheated it. All of this feels like cheating to me, in retrospect so simple and obvious. It's like learning to move a third arm on your back you didn't know you had; it seems bizarre at first but once you understand and account for its presence it's a wonder you never noticed before, never bothered to try using it.

I've taken up writing about my knowledge, too. I've already put four books together which I'm going to start printing and distributing. A bit of intuition and a lot of research can reveal some obscure truths of the universe. The act of creation has always fascinated me. I've made many weapons and armors in my time, and made all my own clothes since I started on this path. But making something intended only to share what I have learned long after I decide to call it and come back home to Waterdeep is... Exhilarating. I've walked in so many legacies on the page in my time, and forging my own gives me hope that I might continue to make a difference. More of a difference than I made before, at least.

My return in better spirits and outlook (and less restrictions) has given me the opportunity to make some wonderful friends and reconnect with some old ones.

Kent DeLocke, a wizard from Baldur's Gate, has been my closest companion. We met in dire circumstances where we made the same mistake at the same time; to him, a calculated risk, and to me, an unrecognized trap. When finally I had assembled the necessary components to clean that taint I had to drag him into the ritual with me. We compliment each others' strengths and make up for each others' weaknesses like nothing I have seen; even Tug, bless her heart, pushed me along in her direction and laid bare my blindspots when I tripped in her wake. His capacity to make connections and gather information is unparalleled, and his wits and will are overwhelming. His lack lies in understanding the truth of the world and the people in it, and he often gets carried away on assumptions, grudges, and short-term thinking; all of this I remedy, and we make quite a team.

I also quite enjoy having all of his magic on me and fighting in a forest of magic tentacles that give me safety like a clownfish.

Speaking of clownfish, Isaac Seluccino was my traveling companion for a great deal of time. He's a clever one, eager and young and full of potential. He's doing his best but he has a lot to learn before he gets his head in a state to be truly useful. I look forward to picking him up in his stumblings.

Along the same lines, Emori, his former love, has also shown herself to be an interesting and powerful companion. She's very open minded; perhaps too much so. Regardless that perspective helps unearth lines of thought I hadn't considered. I wonder what she's up to these days; I should meet up with her.

Another resident of Guldorand is Yondin, a pixie. She's shockingly down to earth and human-like, and very goal-oriented. I'm almost disappointed by how little trouble she is. A bit of fey-folk mischief can liven up the day.

John, a former subordinate of mine, has risen quite high in life. He's ambitious and more capable than before, though he still lacks in wisdom and sometimes does minor crimes on principle. I hear he's waged a campaign against the forces of evil nearly on his own, and he has plans to rise his station even more. If he can keep the charm but lose the childishness he'll certainly be a force of good for this land.

I've only really talked to Buppi in any significant capacity once since I came back, and he seems... Unchanged. He's getting in the same trouble, holding the same grudges, and playing out the same cycles. Part of me wants to break it but I recognize that better hin have tried. Better elves and half-orcs have as well. I accept him as a force of nature, a wildfire that burns itself out to a spark and smolders miserably until next it alights a conflagration. If he actually wants to change to be happy I will help, but he fears change more than he fears anything else- including himself.

The Goodmans who run Guldorand are capable leaders who remain personable and approachable. They're really acting well to keep their role as volunteer public servants instead of rulers, something I appreciate. The town has a good perspective on its government and administration, one I hope it can maintain as its people move to the new large fortress city being established to the north.

Aliana Drake, master tailor and cookie-baker, has been a friend in my time back. She's a ki-user like me, but she's not very good at teaching, and her advice on how to accomplish anything has been shallow and unapplicable. It's appropriate that you don't really need to think about these techniques, you just need to do them; it's not very helpful when someone else is struggling. I've been sure to closely look inward to comprehend HOW I am doing the things I know how to do, so I can do a better job in the future. Aliana's still nice, though, and she tries hard to do the right thing for the world, even at her own repeated expense. That I respect deeply.

I'm living in a big monastery carved into a mountain called Soulhaven now. It doesn't get a lot of traffic and it's rare for me to encounter another adventurer-adept there. However, of the two I've had any significant meeting with, Kels is by far more personable. She runs the library at the place and loves books and knowledge. We're consulting on editing one another's work for the time being!

The other one is the Grandmaster as selected by the adventurer-adepts or the former Grandmaster? Or the Council? I don't really know. Her name is Mona and she is stubborn like a mountain. Solid, unmoving, static. It frustrates me, the more I get attuned to following where the winds lead and remaining adaptable, to see someone living their life on the assumption that they not only stand at the peak but are the peak. I can work with her but I do not think we will ever really get along.

I'm enjoying life and its little blessings much more now, weightless and unburdened. I'm glad I came back. I think I can actually save the world now, as long as I stay focused and fight without fighting.

With love, and a sealed batch of Aliana's cookies,
Windwanderer Aura Bigstep, Still Your Favorite Child
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