The Stories of a Life Lived

[Emotionaloverload]

[Learning to Lie]

I got into trouble again. This time for ‘running my mouth’. To be fair, it wasn’t my fault entirely. I was considerably upset over the missing memorial. I have been growing a beautiful batch of white tulips for it and delivering one each time I visit. It sort of felt like a mountain side had collapsed on me when I arrived and it was nowhere to be found. I got so worked up I banged my staff against the Institute door, twice. I’m so very glad that they sent Rosenkranz out. I’m not sure I could have maintained any temper if it was Lady Ann or Pelagius.

Of course, he was a sweetheart. He saw me upset and changed into those lovely silks I like him in so much. Some might say that it is a cheap shot but if you know what cheers someone up, you should do it. It is really very hard to focus on much else when he is looking sharp which was the second problem.

He was sitting right across from me and I was still shocked from the memorial and they were asking me questions. I’ve never had to lie about anything ever. I’m just awful at it. I didn’t know how to work around the truth or deflect appropriately; I wasn’t prepared. I can manage deflection if I have time to rehearse or if I know to stay silent on a particular topic. I’m not unaccustomed to keeping a secret but I usually do so by saying nothing at all and the distinction between Patrons and me is obvious.

This is completely different. With the new restriction I have no way of expressing the dynamic in the house or anything that is done or spoken about. I can’t say anything besides small talk and the little I did say was apparently enough to cause argument. I will have to think of something before I lose more of my privileges.

[Emotionaloverload]

[A Lover not a Fighter]

Raw magic is very difficult to harness. At times, some of the more difficult spells require a few moments of strict focus in order to accomplish which makes doing them in quick succession tiresome to the mind. That is not to say that I cannot manage it. I have fought off dragons and hordes of undead and all manner of different foes but these foes have marched forward blindly in attack. It is different with those that I know or can speak to; those that I can love and feel for.

It is this problem that makes engaging in wars or open conflicts difficult for me but it is not the only reason. I get scared and freeze up. I don’t know what to do. Which side is your side? What happens if you are on no one’s side? How can you live with yourself after doing harm; removing pleasure and joy?

All these questions rush through my head when a violent incident presents itself. It makes it difficult to focus which makes it difficult to fight back. I had one such incident today in Old Stonehold. I was patrolling the Pass when a group of wolves ran right by me having caught someone else’s scent. I assumed a traveler was fleeing and in danger so I made the effort to pursue.

The wolves led me to the Ruins of Old Stonehold. Inside were a number of Sencliff members and on the other side two Guldorandites; Pert and Memmorath. I tried to stay hidden but everyone was so well warded it didn’t take more than a moment for Lady Lucia to pull me outside to see if I was planning to get involved.

By the time we returned the fight was mostly over. There were Outsiders aplenty among them which was startling enough along with all the magic flying around and the undead. My heart jumped into my throat when Rosenkranz yelled my name. It sounded like an accusation. “I saw you!’ he said.

In the name of Sune, I think I lost three years off my life right there. There is nothing more frightening than a charming, deadly man with his entourage in tow. I managed to usher them all out and away quickly and ran home to Minerva. She said I was being silly. I wasn’t actually in the fight, I should calm down.

I haven’t figured out how. No matter how many fights I see or am in it never gets any easier.

[Emotionaloverload]

[The Problem with Order]

I feel like a crazy person ever since I returned to work and started gathering Patrons again. It feels like there are two lives now. In one I am a lair and the other I am myself. In the first, I have to be reliable, show up on time and handle everything and anything that comes up in Wharftown or for the Team.

I don’t know how to explain it in a way that everyone can understand but the world is so much more than plans and goals. No matter how much I try to…preach it, I guess, the truth never seems to pass on. Life is about the story. Some will blame the feeling on my Chaotic heart, I’m sure. They’ll call me names that resemble accusations like ‘Incubus’. I don’t mind. Whatever makes them feel a little better.

People seem to always be chasing their tomorrows that they lose the day, the now. I understand why. Order is important. It is needed for everyone to be able to live as peacefully as possible. Order needs forethought and planning. Without it, there would be fewer joys to be had because we would be at the whim of the strongest but too much Order takes joys as well.

Some might say that those joys should be taken away so there can be more peace and safety but those people don’t hear what I hear. Chaos is in everything. The more you try to box it in and line it up, the louder it buzzes. It is natural and first, unlike Order. You can even hear it in people, if you listen.

I can hear it in myself now. I think that is a dangerous place to be in; a place where you would burn every bridge you have just to start anew. To start free.

[Emotionaloverload]

[Time Flies]

It has been six years since I arrived on the island. It feels like a life time ago. Every year has had a new story; demons, devils, rebellions, wars, drow, magic, loves lost and gained. It never seems to slow down, even for a moment.

I didn’t realize how much had changed until Rosenkranz gapped at me like I was made of solid gold. I suppose it isn’t fair to say that anything changed but rather that I had accepted it now. The knowledge was always there like fruit on a tree; you just have to look closer to see it. I don’t know why he was surprised. I really don’t think there is a greater sinner than myself. Still, the expression was better than when I make him blush. Utterly delightful.

I remember fighting against it; the truth with Elizabeth. We were at the Art Auction in the Nomad. Heavens, I remember it like it was yesterday. She whispered to me “Try it.” I couldn’t. I knew what the ‘right’ answer was and I was frightened of the other one. She was so cross with me all day after that. I wish I could tell her that I knew; that it was all alright now.

The truth has me thinking of Brother Pneuma more and more. I miss him but I can’t help but feel that he would be sad because history would repeat itself just like he had said. He was so concerned about the joining. He played it off at first, I could tell, but after he gave it some thought he agreed that there might be a reason for the separation. Maybe the Goddess’ knew the truth and tried to fix it.

I can’t imagine that they would do that. They would never put someone through such pain and despair. Even with our agreement we have been struggling to work in harmony. Although, there was one time in which it was flawless; it was like music. Rosenkranz had come over for his gift and we were completely in sync. I can honestly say that I have never been happier. It was wonderful.

I’ve been fighting to get to that point again. Some days it feels like I’m swimming against the tide. I can see the island that I want to get to but the waters are too strong and I only ever seem to get pushed further out to sea.

[Emotionaloverload]

[I’m in Love with You]

I am so madly in love with my beautiful wife. She is like a painting that captures the sky during the most breathtaking time of morning; it locks a perfect moment on canvas forever. You, as the viewer, know that that moment will never be like that again which makes it all the more wondrous. Minerva is that perfect moment always.

We have known each other for years but there is always something new to learn with her. She doesn’t believe in alright or second best. You have to give everything and you have to give it now. You must always consider yourself a working progress. Without her I would have never learned the sword or to think tactically rather than with your heart.

I struggled with her for the first year. There was a tremendous person hidden under all that grit and I didn’t know how to bring her out. It took all my attention and effort to teach her to do things for herself or for the sake of it. She had never had that sort of freedom. We were the same that way. We used that similarity to find solace in one another.

Our love and experience together make us a wonderful team. You should have seen us. We were mapping the spires for her project which ended with us at the peak. I was scared out of my mind. I tried to talk her out of it the entire way up.

The little girls started to behave strangely; they were taunting me. They could tell I was scared although even a blind, deaf beggar at the foot of the mountain could have known the same. One of them asked if there was anything they should fear from me since I was already scared of them. Minerva answered ‘Me’ and promptly slaughtered the hoard of them and their wizard guardian. I was mortified. I’m not a brave person but with her, my wall of steel, I can focus and act.

I hardly know what to do in combat if I’m not offering her support; when I am – it is indescribably flawless.

[Emotionaloverload]

[For the Story!]

We have barely been on land for the last two months. Minerva has been practising hunting ‘big game’ in preparation of capturing a giant squid so that we can lure the shark-god Sekolah. Yes, that is as crazy as it sounds.

I have tried to talk her out of it for half a year now but it hasn’t worked. I had hoped to get the aid of others in talking her down but instead everyone has been very supportive of the idea; literally everyone she has asked; from paladins to slavers. I’m out of avenues aside from assisting so…I am assisting.

I am tired and, at times, so dreadfully bored on the ship. She can sail forever without pause. When she is focused she grows quiet making discussion very difficult. Instead of sulking from boredom I have taken the time to work on the stories. I have put half a dozen of them to paper and sent them off to be pressed.

I can’t imagine how long it will take before they are published but I hope that by the next time a spouse is dragged out on a crazy sea voyage (that in no way involves finding merfolk) they might have something to read.

[Emotionaloverload]

[An Elaborate Chess Game]

We struck the proverbial gold while sailing this tenday. We found ancient bones as hard as iron at the Hidden Cove and big enough that we needed the Huntress’ grapple to haul them in. Even so, I can see that Minerva isn’t altogether pleased. She was hoping for a fight. Either way it gave everyone the tenday off from big game hunting.

I had the chance to return home early to work on the books. It got me thinking of Rosenkranz. I don’t think he or the others I’m writing for know how much they mean to me. He, particularly, has helped me so much these last few months to come to terms with the transitions. The entire situation reminds me of Elizabeth all over again. I had to fight and struggle to get her to believe me when I told her how I felt. It took months to even make a dent in those walls and even then I’m not sure she truly believed it.

It hurts me to think that she may have died doubting my love. I have the same problem with him now. Everything is an elaborate chess game; every word or phrase is checked and double checked for agenda or further meaning.

I will have to try to steal him away this tenday to make some progress. Even a little will do.

[Emotionaloverload]

[The True Adventurers]

We sailed to the Red Dragon Island today with Merin, Jonathan, Mouse and Alaister. We have been twice before but we never did go very far and never with the aim to slay the great dragon. We were all mortified at the prospect; even Minerva lost her boastful confidence as we stood in the hall before the Dragon’s lair preparing for the fight.

My hands were shaking and I wasn’t the only one yet no one in the group wanted to turn around. It was beautiful. We were true adventurers in that moment; ready to die for the chance at the story. I wish I could say that I had the mind to be enamoured with that thought at the time. I was too focused on the coming dragon.

As we entered the lair the dragon took flight and his humanoid kin rushed the group. Most of us were knocked down and my heart leapt into my throat. I struggled to get past the dragon kin even has my black blade tore into them. I needed to put some distance between myself and the dragon so that I could cast again.

Everyone scattered but Minerva; she stood her ground like an ancient warrior does in a fairy tale. I always get this cold chill when I lose sight of her in a fight, even for a moment but before I knew what was going on my second black blade plunged into the Dragon’s heart. He fell abruptly leaving the entire room stunned.

I would have never gotten that spell off without her. It was perfect.

Even though we won and everyone was unharmed, I was elated to return home; to be on land. Minerva knows I don’t like dragons so she promised that we would go out to Riddler’s Reef later to search for merfolk as a reward for the trip. It couldn’t have been a better day.