Journal of a Reluctant Noble

[Hin_Justice]

So many thoughts... So much to pain...

Since the last election I suppose things are better for me... To an extent.

Roffin's dead. Laelia cured most of my injuries with a dark ritual in the Shadow Plane's nexus well. The big one, however, is that House Loslansiran is nearly gone from Cordor. A result that could had been avoided had Lady Hel'wyn only been willing to make peace with me. Instead she forced me down a path I never wanted. I still don't.

Tear stains can be seen smearing a large portion of the inked words.

...nd now I feel no joy. It's been a lonely road in Cordor, making friends. Used by many. Lied by others. Juniper taught me that kindness itself is but another blade to cut people with. And too many in these streets opened wounds upon me with their kind knifes.

One constant I know will never change is Lady Ginny. Harsh words at times, but true words. She's cold, merciless, to her enemies. Cold to allies when she needs us to be cold as well... It would be better if Ginny was running the government again. Because Albet is weak. Silly, and weak.

Lessons learned so far, are that I will never be an equal to any of my alleged peers. I'm told my house is lucky to have them protecting us. And now many of them wish to paint my husband as an abuser. To manipulate me to do what they aren't able to do...

I have had to tell them thrice I've hit him. Not the other way around. They do not listen. They do not want to know. They want a villain to hate. And that is Principes. A man who killed more Underdarkers of late than any other person or group who's claimed to war with them.

I hate being a noble.... I hate leading a house of wild killers... I want to rid myself of all these stresses. But who will protect the kin still brave enough to tell Myst to feck off? Fate pushed me into a miserable existence... And I want out. I just don't know how, yet...

[Hin_Justice]

Past few trine have been a big help. Thomas gave me his blessing to resign. My house arms are now free. And now a new stress forms.

The Gloom Accords. The formation of the Arelith Defense Force. I feel, in many ways, renewed with this higher purpose. Protecting all the settlements in their time of need. And drafting the accords themselves made me feel like a law expert again... I miss that. But I fear managing an alliance is going to be something of a headache on occasion.

Moving back into Gloom has also been something of an unexpected joy too. While parts of me will never feel safe there, it is the place my house is happiest... And the Accords have ensured it stays ours. In Gloom, they can be themselves without too many eyes judging them. Cordor was a very harrowing time for many of them, and it was a place I myself did not like living there for too long either due to all the politics and backstabs.

But now we seem to be freer. I can only hope this bright bit of joy continues. Knowing my luck though, the shoe will drop soon.

[Hin_Justice]

We're finally pregnant.

I should be overjoyed. I should be holding feasts in celebration. I want to order clothes and toys and prepare our chambers. So why hasn't any of this come to pass yet?

Because all I feel around myself, is an aura of death.

The crystal Laelia gave me, has improved my health greatly. But in balancing planar energies inside myself, I'm told by some druids in Bendir, that it could harm - if not kill my baby. So I either make myself weaker and potentially die for the sake of my child's life. Or I keep the crystal on me and risk the same end for the child... It is a choice I don't know I can make, and both possibilities frighten me.

To make matters worse, my house has so many enemies. The Vampire Coven-Abyssal alliance, The Sharps, The Table, House Loslansiran... They all want to kill us. Another aura of death looming.

This pregnancy is not a blessing, the more I look upon it. It is a curse. But obligations to my house's legacy demand I have an heir... I think this means the choice has been decided for me.

[Hin_Justice]

Seems anything can happen in a span of a few trine. Princ and I planewalked several planes, but mostly the Plane of Air. Cordor lost the Leviathan at sea. My intelligence wing has become far more effective and valued. Oh. And House Nuhl left Cordor for the Earthkin. Brogendenstein to be exact.

Plane of Air was a nice experience. But I did not want to tell Principes what I was fully feeling. Is soaking myself in the Plane of Air the best solution to solving my pregnancy issues and keeping us both healthy? Yes. The druids of Bendir are on to something. However, my connection to magic seemed to gradually fizzle the longer I stayed there.

In a time where so many adversaries want to kill me, I don't know that purging my innate connections with magic is wise. Or maybe, I just need to find a better delivery method to soak-in the energies of the Plane of Air. My husband made a suggestion for retooling an arcanic rejuvenation chamber. Seems I may have to become something of an artifice to make it work, though... Might test it on him first, once I do get it configured.

Clearing the air with the dwarves of Brogendenstein was also something of a stress relief. But it is also another sign of a systemic problem the alleged alliances of the surface have. Tribalism. Isolationism. Self-sufficiency and governance. When I arrived to Cordor, I spent hours in the library and archives. Reading of battles and conflicts of old. Alliances that stood strong to wade through those troubled times.

...I don't know how Arelith went from that, to what it is now. Believing rumors rather than asking the ones the rumors are about. Letting negative beliefs fester about perfect strangers. And in the bigger cities, it's worse. Groups who want little to do with others, inside their own city walls. Houses, Clans, Guilds, Orders. They all amount to the same things: Exclusivity, Recognition, Greed, and Ambition.

I wanted House Nuhl to break this wheel. To bridge ourselves to all the surface settlements. To remind the island of what greatness a massive alliance once did against the tyrannical and deadly forces of Andunor, Sencliff, and Minmir... It is a wheel I will continue to break into tiny pieces in the hopes that better dialogue with each other leads to a better future for all of Arelith.

[Hin_Justice]

I don't know how lawmakers do it.....

I find myself stretched thin of late. I want House Nuhl to fit in with Brogendenstein well. So I'm trying my best to help us integrate there as best we can. However, with a few of my officers unwell, my house has gotten a tad neglected from Princ and I having to deal with so many political and intelligence matters of late.

There has to be a way to balance my life better. Admitting it to certain people, however, might suggest something else entirely about my capabilities. At least in this journal I can admit I need help. But I cannot take much more of Cordor's judgments. I'm not sure which of my peers can help me without seeing me the way my former allies in Cordor see me and my house either. I'm well and truly lost in the weeds of my own despair here.

...And the headaches are returning. In full force. My husband is acting like a crazy ape-man because I'm pregnant. So any stranger approaching, he wants to kill. It's embarrassing... and off-putting... and making it hard for me to make new friendships.

He's also getting mean again. Verbally. Twice he's called me stupid for relying on others outside my house when he wasn't about. I want to think this is all just him wanting to keep his family safe while we're our most vulnerable... I'm just not sure how much more pressure I can take.