Life, Love and Stupid Crap

[FoxyPigeon]

This is a really random and kind of personal post, so feel free to ignore it. I just feel like venting about it because the stress is weighing me down a bunch.

So, I started back at college last month and have already been under a lot of stress with getting stuff done, because it's school, and admittedly I was lazy at first and that got me off to a slower start than normal. After about 3 weeks went by I began getting back into the flow of things and was feeling better and then some other things in life happened.

My girlfriend of 5+ years, was "hanging out" with a guy friend of hers, when they unexpectedly, yet willingly kissed. This hurt me more than I could have expected and added much more stress to me. We met up, we talked it out, we thought we worked it all out, but I was left without much resolve because it's confusing.

Moving on, 2 weeks after that, she goes to hang out with the same guy again and then I learn she cheated on me. I felt broken and depressed and so lost. We met up again, various times and talked about it, and tried to work it out again, and while I understand much more I was still left with a feeling of little resolve. It's a hard thing to comprehend, but, my gf says she is just in a state of confusion, where she doesn't know what she wants or where her life is going right now. (She also recently graduated so she is in a state of being "free") She regrets hurting me, and says she didn't mean for it to happen, and she also says she will love me forever and doesn't want me to ever not be a part of her life, but that she's just not sure right now.

She says she didn't cheat because of anything that is wrong with us, it's just that she is confused with herself, and again, doesn't know what she wants. She needs time to figure herself out and I'm fine with that, and I want to be there for her if she needs me. She doesn't want us to break up and neither do I. She even plans to bring a friend with her the next time she see's this other guy, to make sure nothing will happen. She means so much to me and I really don't want to lose her, we have shared so many things with each other and I want to experience more. I'm just afraid of losing her because she means so much to me, but at the same time I don't want to hold her back and make her unhappy, even though she makes me happy...

At the moment, we are just taking time for her to figure herself out, and we still want to be together and enjoy our company. Especially because we are both so stressed and when we're together, we feel better. It's just a crappy situation, love is a weird thing.

But yea... this is why I haven't played in quite a while and probably wont be anytime soon I guess. It was fun...

[Kashisjonny]

Sounds like this lady friend of yours cannot get past the lustful part of a relationship, which is the strong emotional feeling of attraction you feel when bonding with somebody. With age comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes discipline to ignore and eventually hide away those lustful thougts and instead replace them with the desire for a stable relationship with somebody you can get along with for a long period of time.
Sadly, even aged people quite often cannot demonstrate the discipline needed to embrace a proper relationship, and instead wield the word love as an excuse to give into saucy primal desire to mate.

This is not to say this person is a bad person though, they are no doubt a lovely person. But unless you want to spend the rest of your life getting dragged around like a scolded puppy, you should grip hold of logic, find somebody that is a little more responsible and grown up, and enjoy your life without the drama.

Also this completely just tl:dr's my entire plotline for Kaliyah

[RED GANOT]

I see the word 'love' but not once does the word 'respect' appear

There's your problem

Also what Kash said

[farnese]

Wow Kash being all wise!
But yeah mate "confused" people is better left behind.
It's about them finding peace with themselves, all you can do is joining the emotional rollercoaster and get sick all the time.
For sure even if good stuff been there, cherish the memories, but respect yourself and turn page.

[Chelomo]

I normally wouldn't comment on threads like this, but I'm going to shoot you some advice in bullet point form:

-The fact that she still wants to hang out with this "other guy", albeit with a friend, shows that she doesn't seem to have much commitment to working this out. Words are cheap.

-Bottom line, she cheated on you, can you ever trust her again?

-Respect, as RED GANOT mentioned, is paramount in a relationship.

-I don't know how old you are, but since you're in college I'll assume fairly young. People in long term relationships around that age often hit a wall since they find themselves going in different directions.

Either way, you decide what you want, but personally, I'd long be out the door.

[FoxyPigeon]

I guess I should have clarified a little more, but when I say she cheated, I didn't mean sex. She went beyond kissing, but not that far. She wouldn't ever do that "just for fun." But idk, I feel so lost. We've just been together a long time and shared a lot, and it was great. All of this happened so suddenly and out of nowhere. I don't want to throw it all away. I just don't know.

[Kashisjonny]

Paul simon - 50 ways to leave your lover

Best song.

[Mithreas]

Every relationship ends in breakup or marriage.

My advice would be to break up, amicably - leave her free to try other people, and more importantly leave you free to do the same. Nothing stops you getting back together in future if neither of you find anyone better. And if one or both of you finds someone else in the interim... then a marriage wouldn't have worked between you anyway.

It's a hard decision to walk away - human nature it to try to cling to the known rather than risk the unknown. But I think you'll be happier for doing it.

[FoxyPigeon]

We are spending the weekend together and then afterwards we are going to give each other space and no contact for some weeks, maybe a month, and see how we both feel afterwards.

If we haven't figured out what we both want at that point then, yeah, I guess it just wasn't meant to be. It still hurts but... that's life I guess.

[Artos13]

A lot of the times people cheat or mess around with other people in order to bring up a confrontation that they are too afraid to start as a conversation. She may be doing these things to force YOU to do the hard work of breaking off the relationship. Like previously mentioned, this doesn't mean she's a terrible person or that you should get some "revenge" or whatever, it just means she cares for you and is afraid of hurting you, so is making you do the tough work.

I've been in your position before, and what I learned coming out of it was that its not worth it to try and "stay friends" and have those long tough conversations. It just draws out the pain and keeps your attention on the past. Just say goodbye and skip all the post-game analysis and coffee meet-ups and stuff. Also, never compose an email to an ex after midnight. This should be taught in school.

Sorry to hear about your situation though. It's never fun to go through, and always so hard to see the light at the end, and hard to imagine being happy again. But, it'll happen, and you'll be happy again, and Time is your friend and ally.

[P Three]

Everything they all said. She may be the nicest person ever, but she is serially disrespecting you, and your relationship.

As someone who has been her before, people rarely change behaviour patterns, without truly wanting to, and I don't see it in her actions.

[Marsi]

...she even plans to bring a friend with her the next time she see's this other guy, to make sure nothing will happen.

Only you can decide the outcome of this, but before you do, please realize that this one sentence here epitomizes everything wrong with your relationship.

[FoxyPigeon]

"If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

[Thake]

To sum up the important parts:

(Kashisjonny)
(...) unless you want to spend the rest of your life getting dragged around like a scolded puppy, you should grip hold of logic, find somebody that is a little more responsible and grown up, and enjoy your life without the drama.

(farnese)
For sure even if good stuff been there, cherish the memories, but respect yourself and turn page.

(Chelomo)
she doesn't seem to have much commitment to working this out. Words are cheap.

(Artos13)
A lot of the times people cheat or mess around with other people in order to bring up a confrontation that they are too afraid to start as a conversation. She may be doing these things to force YOU to do the hard work of breaking off the relationship.

I've been in your position before, and what I learned coming out of it was that its not worth it to try and "stay friends" and have those long tough conversations.

We are spending the weekend together and..

Really? Just don't. She didn't learn anything after the first time. Nowmaybe this sounds a bit harsh, but seriously, there's so much wise words in the few posts and they all imply: Move on.

You'll realize, there's so many god damn nice girls around.. and what you don't want is to spend another 5+ years of not being sure if that's going to work out and eventually even find out it won't.

Actually, you'll grow by doing this step and it will leave you with some pain, but a lot more manlyness. And this is as true as this picture of Sylvester Stallone

[Razmo_de]

Every relationship ends in breakup or marriage.

O.o Sounds like marriage would be the definite doom for relationships.
I have no tips for the OP though.

[Twily]

I agree with Artos entirely. Know that you aren't alone in a tough time in your life though.

I was in a relationship for nearly a year(i'm now almost 18) where she began to shut me out and force me to not be there for her, so that I would break up with her since she didn't want to hurt me. She said the whole "we can still be friends" things, but that wasn't nor often is the case with situations like these.

It can really hurt to call things off, but sometimes it's for the best in the long run. As was pointed out, if she really loves you she'll be back once things are straightened out for her but this also would give you time to experiance life on your own for a bit and see if you truly want her around as well.

The biggest thing though(in my opinion) about calling things off(in case you do this): There's always at least one person in someones life who will be there for them when things get rough(such as friends and family). Don't push these people away. I made the mistake of pushing people away and shutting myself in when my breakup occured and that made my depression and anxiety(both of which I already had) far worse and nearly pushed me off the edge(more literaly than I would have liked).

Now that I have accepted those who wanted to be there for me, I'm actually moving foward in my life faster than ever before. I've choosen a major, found a hobby and talent i'm truly passionate about, gone on an amazing trip, etc.

PS: The last part there, that's why I've been absent from the game. Ever since I began to accept who I am I've gained so many other interests that have made the game far more boring for me than it once was.

[DirtyDeity]

The woman undoubtedly wants to be with you, or she won't spend so much time explaining herself.

The woman also undoubtedly wants to be with guy #2, or there wouldn't have been a problem.

I say you simply need accept the fact that she wants to be with him, as well. It's not because one guy is better than the other. Simply because she's whimsical, and she wants it all.

So concede to one of two options.
1: Stay a 'friend', which will mostly likely ascend into a 'friends with benefits' status. This is alright, so long as jealousy isn't eating you to bits, and you're able to enjoy a casual relationship without fixating on her.

2: Sever your relationship completely, if it's unhealthy for you. Move on, be miserable alittle, maybe, and then come to terms with it and go on.

Either way, try to keep your spirits up and live life as it were, and -stick to your decision-. If you bend and make excuses, likely will lengthen your 'recovery'.

[Rattus_norvegicus99]

Walk away. If she's that confused, she needs to sort herself out and the longer you hang on, the more mired you're going to be. Its best not to get sucked into other people's emotional mess.

[Rystefn]

Alternately, and I know this is going to wreck people's heads, but you could, just possibly, find a way to be alright with her kissing other dudes. Unless you can't. Not everyone can. But you might be surprised.

[Anime Sword Fighter]

Alternately, and I know this is going to wreck people's heads, but you could, just possibly, find a way to be alright with her kissing other dudes. Unless you can't. Not everyone can. But you might be surprised.

since OP specifically mentioned it
I'd assume that they fall into the category of 'Not everyone'

[Yma23]

Really, just as a side note.

- The most important thing in any relationship (yes, maybe even above love) is trust. You have to -trust- your partner impeciably.

Open relationships often work when and if the people involved trust each other, when everyone knows the score.

The above does not seem to be the case.

Trust is very valuble. I don't know the full situation, I can't speak much for it, and most people have already given good advice already.

But as I said, Trust is paramount. Right now, the poster does not seem to be in a position where he can trust his girlfriend. Maybe in time things will change. But until then... well. You've heard the above avice. Certainly taking time out and reassessing the sitatuion is wise, I'd say.

[Arctic95]

While I can't really offer my advise on the situation I'll say I am 'so' sorry about what's happened, you deserve more so much more for sure. As for the woman.. Definitely taking it slow's a good course, at the very least you can keep your head up high and say you've not cheated on her, making you the better person to come out for it.
Can safely say you have the whole community who'd support you if you need it.

[Jackalspawn]

There's been a lot of input here that I agree with, Friendo. I'm just going to chime in with my perspective on the situation, and hopefully it will be more useful than harsh or abrasive.
When this girl (not woman; you'll note that I am describing her as a child) started making out with someone outside of your relationship, she was establishing dominance. If you think she is not going to continue cheating on you, I have some bad news. Her comforting assertions that she will essentially keep you on the back-burner can be translated to "I want to ride as many stallions as possible before my physical appearance diminishes, then I will cash in on your devotion by making you my meal ticket". Protip: If you want to raise someone else's children, just adopt. You don't need an abusive partner to make your entire life as enervating as these last few weeks/ months described in this episode have been. And before you start thinking that she will grow out of it - my sister is in her mid-30s and still treats her boyfriends like this. Protip: Get a dog.

[FoxyPigeon]

Just to give an update:

We broke up. She can't love me the same way, and so we had to let go. This whole time I was searching for an answer, because of something that was wrong with us or me, but I was wrong. It has nothing to do with that, and what we shared together had a lot.

She has come to a point where she just can't be in a relationship now, she is lost and needs to find herself and her goals in life. She doesn't want to be with anyone, she just wants to be on her own. We are still the closest people we've ever been to one another and are best friends, and we still have a love for each other, and don't want to disappear from our lives. She can't love me the same way I love her, but that doesn't always mean it's the end.

It makes me happy, because I know now that nothing was wrong with us, and that she's having a quarter life crisis. We had a good thing and maybe one day she will be ready and we could continue where we left off.

But I'm not going to dwell on that, no one knows what the future has in store for us, I'm going to focus on my own life now and keep looking forward.

[Rattus_norvegicus99]

Awesome!