Pages from a Oathbreaker

[gordan]

I didn't want this

I didn't want any of that

I never wanted to be a homeless bastard, nor a traitor, I never wanted to break vows and betray the one I loved.

all I wanted was to be considered worthy in the arrogance that I was already worthy.

but I wasn't,

I wasn't worthy of anything, deserving and being worthy are not the same thing and I understood it too late,

I will never be a knight, I have to accept it, I have to accept that that being I called father was right, I should never have been born.

but now I'm here, in this world that doesn't want me, and I don't know what to do with this disgusting life of mine

Niamh

she hates me

and she does well

Aedan deserves hate, disgust, betrayal, he deserves death, and I am too cowardly to give it to him

maybe a lucky goblin will succeed, or a drow, a pirate, someone will be able to give him what he truly deserves

until then-

[gordan]

I moved on to Bendir
a halfling commented on my helmet, and I replied, asking if I worshiped a bird deity.

I told him I don't serve any god

Sune, I still feel your embrace on me, but why? I followed my heart I made my life of your teachings, and I lost everything.

I have to stop blaming my fate on higher powers, good is not weak

I am.

The Bendirians showed me compassion, but I don't deserve it. but I wanted it, I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream my pain at the rain and the moon.

and I left.

I've been around, looking for purpose, I tried to ask the Radiants

my months old explanation is still on their list

never been contacted

minmir wants to hire mercenaries

I had to lay siege to that place back in the day, that was the plan

I can not do that

They're Arthag's friends, aren't they? the pirate worm.

yet they offer everything I've ever wanted

can you trust them?

do you trust yourself?

[gordan]

After helping some men in Minmir I returned to Bendir to use the banker's services, and that's where Marie Cain stopped me... she's a fantastic woman, she'd only met me three times before that day, and yet she treated me as if I were the dearest of all. friends.

Lilly who helped me in the past joined the conversation, I explained everything once again, pointing out that the Nhul are everywhere and that I can't sit still.

I didn't even need time to prove my theory, princes and lady Nhul entered the tavern, asking to use the druidic circle for their wedding cursed by goddess Sune.

did they recognize me? I'm afraid so, but they avoided me.

Lilly took me away to Myon, and merciful gods now I finally understand why Lady Maya loves that place. I thought Myon was a city of gold, ancient statues, military towers.

I was wrong.

it seems like a quiet village among the trees, with a peace and tranquility almost out of this world, if only it wasn't the place closed to us inferiors, it would be--

It does not matter.

Lilly told me about the opportunities I can follow, that my life is not over.

yet seems to me it is.

send me a sign Sune.

give me a reason to justify my faith.

tell me that my life was not lived in vain.

I demand attention.

I ask you to explain.

I'm begging you

give some sense to all this pain

[gordan]

What is going on?

A pirate? Has she always been a pirate? and she offered me to join her? a fantastic offer, adventure, riches, respect, power.

All a man could want, and all I have to do, is break my last oath, the one I made to my mother, to be a good man.

I can't continue like this. I returned to Cordor for a moment and Fiona approached me, spitting all her contempt and disapproval in my face, I deserve her hatred, I was cruel to her, she doesn't deserve hatred, she is a good woman, she obeys orders.

If she had the elves under her command nothing would have happened.

They are everywhere, everywhere I go the black and red shadow of Nhul haunts me, they are growing.

and I'm alone

I have to ask for help,

[gordan]

I do not know what to do.

I can't join the pirates, it would be the last stone on the grave of my honor, I fought for my reputation, I don't want to kill it completely.

Bendir is a wonderful place, the people are social, nice, good, I would like to live there, I would be happy there, but I couldn't become a knight.

Cordor is my home now, but Nhul is growing in power and any house that would take me would earn their hatred, Myst doesn't care, but among shadovars-

Then we have Minmir, the radiant order, I tried to contact them over and over again, nothing, my application is still on their board for months, no response.

And I'm not convinced they would accept someone like me.

And then Niamh

Niamh

Niamh, my love, elven priestess fair,
With eyes of mystery and dark hair,
Your grace and beauty, a sight to behold,
But now, my heart is heavy and cold.

For you let me gone away,
Leaving me with memories, day by day,
Your gentle touch, your soothing voice,
Now only echoes, making my heart sink.

But oh, how I miss you, my dear,
Your presence, like a warm, comforting sphere,
Your were like a fire, burning bright,
Guiding me through the darkest night.

My days are empty, without your smile,
My nights, so lonely, without your beguile,
For you were my everything, my reason to be,
And now, my heart aches, endlessly.

But I hold on to the hope, that one day,
You will return, and with you, my heart will sway,
For Niamh, my love, you are my everything,
And without you, my heart can never truly sing.

Niamh, my love, elven priestess fair,
With every passing moment, I feel you near,
For our love, like magic, will never die,
And with that thought, I'll continue to--




I have to make a decision.

choose well for once

[gordan]

They called me a stalker,

I followed Sune's teachings, I followed my heart, and I made sure that others could follow it

I was wrong,

Sune lied

.............

Bane was right

Fear

respect

power

these are the only things that matter,

these are the way to happiness, not love, love is weak, pathetic, subile, power is eternal, majestic, it is what leaves you an inheritance, a name of which you can be worthy, the name of a tyrant
.........

*lines of ink are made over the last prases *

what am I writing?
IM becoming crazy
Am I crazy already?

people who don't know me hate me, Nhul ruined my reputation, and Castemont, that filthy aasimar did nothing to help me, not after all I did for him

Now I understand Roffin
I understand the desire to betray

to send everyone to hell

and to conquer one's place among the forces of evil.

I would like to do it too

I want to do it

why be good if it only gives you hate?

because I made a promise

my first promise

I am a good man, Aedan is my name, and on my mother's name, I will be a good man.


Stand your ground, noble knight
Do not falter, do not take flight
For they may mock you, hate you, despise
But you are the shield, under the rainy skies

They may insult you, with words unkind
But you are strong, with a brave mind
Your armor may be dented and worn
But your spirit remains, unshaken and untorn

You are the defender, of the weak and frail
With your sword and shield, you will prevail
Against all odds, you will stand tall
For you are the protector, of those who call

The rain may pour, and the winds may howl
But you will not waver, you will not cower
For you are the one, who holds the line
Against all darkness, you will shine

Your honor and courage, cannot be broken
For you are the chosen, the mighty token
Of justice and righteousness, you are the symbol
Standing firm, in the face of all trouble

So do not heed, the naysayers' words
For they do not know, the strength that you hold
Stand your ground, noble knight
For you are the shield, under the rainy skies.

[gordan]

I joined the guards of Guldorand,

It's definitely not what I wanted to do, but Lora says it'll be good for me, the people seem decent, I think I can survive like this

certainly living and surviving are not the same things.

Niamh,

I saw her, I tried to-

They called me Stalker, Perverse, Dishonorable.

This is what happens to those who follow their heart? Is this what happens to those who follow Lady Firehair's teachings?

I don't want anything to do with her anymore.

The heart is a sensitive and lying thing

I don't trust him anymore

[gordan]

For a secret organization they are sadly easy to find


and I shouldn't write anything else, sorry diary but I can't allow you to fall into the wrong hands

anyway, it's too easy

[gordan]

First she says that I bow to Bane's will, and then that I'm not a Banite, does she know it or not?

Avoid her

Nothing good can come from her,

She believe me and Syclya are a couple?

are we?

no

We surrender in eachother embrace because of similiar past and burdens, but must be just that , is lust, not love, we are not a thing, she cant love me, she love only herself.

There was a time where i made a promise to not bed with a woman until wedding, and now you accept the arms of concubines as a mean to ease my pain

I'm pathetic

Godless and pathetic




A deity is blessing me, i can feel it

Is not Sune

Yet i do not know who it is

and it scare me

i fear it

who?

Who is blessing me?

[gordan]

Diary

is a long time since last time i wrote here

They keep asking the same questions, elves, no one asking about me, how I'm doing.

they think everything is fine

everything should be fine

I'm a constable from Guldorand, I have respect, the people here are better than in Cordor, happier, more sociable, fewer knives behind the back, fewer words hidden under the tongue, honesty.

Yet I look in the mirror every morning, and all I see is a disgusting bastard.

I still heal myself, like my mother taught me, like Sune taught me, and yet I know I'm crap on the inside, I know I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm doing, I'm just waiting...

A sign

and what I'm doing

I'm waiting for a sign

I found a sign today

A mysterious beauty dressed in white approached me in Minmir lakes, a girl whose nature or name I do not know, yet she asked me to tell her my story, I did.

she showed me compassion, and in her eyes, I saw...

Sune?

Are you playing jokes on me?

What is this emotion in my chest? this nostalgic feeling?

I know I will suffer

I know I'll hate myself

and yet- I --...

[gordan]

I leave guldorand for hunt down monsters, the Radiant Heart ask me for do it, as a squire.

I believed squires had to serve a knight.

But I also believed nobles should serve their people.

No noble do that .

And no knight wish scum like me as squire

And this monsters, I cant kill them alone, i lack the skills, i need companions, friends, i lack those.

Thanks gods I have Takashi




Delilah

Delilah

Delilah

Delilah

Delilah

Delilah

[gordan]

I live in a corrupt world

there is nothing but hatred and violence,

she cut off my ear

uses it like a trophy, whispers inside it as if I could hear her follies.

she's crazy


she has always been crazy

I thought I could help her

and instead I became her prey

I am afraid

I look out the window every night, and I have nightmares that she's coming, that she's cutting me up, piece by piece, and-

what did she do to me?

if only I had-

gods

I have never been so afraid, why am I afraid?

because I know her

she won't stop until my head is decapitated and kissed by her black lips.

she could kill me at any moment

but she plays

like a cat and a mouse

I am afraid

Gods help me

[gordan]

hate is a good thing to fight fear

I would have shown fear if Thomas hadn't been there, but his mere presence made me furious, I spat all my venom at Syclya, but it wasn't for her, it should have been.

I never wanted to join evil, I never wanted to be a slave to darkness

but I cannot deny that if my reward for such a fall were to see my enemies suffer and die like the dogs they are, I would be tempted.

I am not order of ascension material.

Let them go to to heaven, there is much to do here.




He doesn't want to talk to me, he half-angel bastard doesn't want to give me explanations.

He lied to me.

He used me.

I gave everything for him.

and when I was no longer useful to him he abandoned me.

I deserve better.

May Hoar give me vengeance against his followers.

Vengence...

That is not a value of a knight

Forgivness

Can I forgive?

I want to forgive

[gordan]

he apologized to me

he said he is sorry

he didn't know

I can not believe it

rayne, myon, bendir, Brinja, Timm, Lora..

no one told him

and I hated him because I thought he knew?

he didn't know

Stupid Aedan.

---

when I returned to Guldorand something happened, I saw a light, I followed it into the middle of the mountains, I don't know why, it was as if he was calling me, and I saw them

she was a wounded, pregnant bear, an orc's arrow stuck in her chest, she looked at me with fury, like a mother, I saw her soul in her gaze, I saw her fear.

she was like me.

I took care of her, I did what I could, he will live, and so will her puppies, and yet before he left he gave me something, bringing it to me with her mouth

An acorn

what did she want to tell me?

I do not know

but I feel better

[gordan]

they want me to leave the island.

they want my silence.

they can't kill me, they would make me a martyr, and so they act to make sure that there is no place where I am welcome, I can't walk a cordor without being accused of pointing guns at someone, I can't go to Bendir without Marie Cain telling them that I'm there, and I can't stay in Guldorand with Timm bossing me around.

they want to beat me down morally

they want everything to be against me, and force me to leave the island

pathetic

I haven't given up until now, and I will never give up

I will become a knight

or I'll die trying

[gordan]

Fools

One of them confessed before dying that they want to make my life hells and force me to leave the island. He confessed that the reason they are setting foot in Guldorand more and more is because of me.

but we need them

Why?

Because they fight the Underdark

Only an idiot thinks that the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Evil is evil.

If you must choose between one evil or another, do not choose at all.

[gordan]

A tapestry spun, a web so fine,
Where threads of trust intertwine.
Yet beneath its beauty, a truth profound,
Love's a lie, a wound to be found.

Promises whispered, sweet as honey,
But like a mirage, they vanish with the money.
Hearts aflame, consumed by passion's fire,
Only to be extinguished by cruel desire.

Trust betrayed, a shattered dream,
As love's illusion fades, it seems.
Those who once swore to hold you dear,
Now stab you, leaving only a bitter sneer.

Like a moth drawn to a flame, you're lured,
To a love that's false, a trap assured.
The warmth you crave, a fleeting embrace,
As love's deceit leaves a bitter taste

[gordan]

forgiven?

I can't be forgiven, she can't be serious, she can't tell me that she still loves me, if it were true she would have protected me in everything. I cheated on her and she is punishing me, I was weak and this is her revenge

there is no other solution

What the hell did love do to me?

He made me fail to save Mairibeta

He made me watch Niamh fall into the arms of that shitty puddle of a man

He made me see Sycla accept death's embrace instead of mine

Love is a lie!

a lie!

Sune lied!

Love cant win at the end

Hatred win

i will win.

i must win

[gordan]

Why do i carry the flame?

Because no one else would.

I don't give up, I spit in the face of destiny and the shadows themselves because no one else would do it, on an island where nothing changes, corruption flares up and good does not exist, I refuse to give up.

I do it for the dream, for the glory, and for the pride.

[gordan]

I son of shadows just came barking and laiming hos strong tehy are

Pathetic

i wish they to remember 3 of thems died already

I cant focus, i want to kill them all, but what is the point? they will return, in this cursed island no one remain death forever,

I can't help but grunt about their successes

may the sickness take them, may the plague kill them, may Talona kiss them, Beshaba look at them, Talos strike them and every god in this world hate them

they will never hate them more than me

[gordan]

Is not enough

We hide as they walk inside our city

Is not enough

We try the path of diplomacy agaist the agent of darkness

Is not enough

We accept them as allies against the minions of the spider queen

Is not enough

No more

[gordan]

Diary, a few days have now passed since the battle of Bendir, the waters seem to have calmed down, I have not received any further indications whether our work was appreciated or not, but it is not important.

Of course, trying to infuriate me after I fought alongside the Hawkins was a strange move on the Nhul side, especially when both the chief and Thomas tell me they gave orders to avoid me

They don't avoid me

and I will not avoid them

This story can only end with blood

[gordan]

((The following pages are written with some strange coal ))

Prison day 1

They want me to accept a offer i do nt know yet
i suppose slavery is involved,
Principles know i'm here, i can only hope he is not been a completly Snuggybear for once in his life and told the chief
Cavallery is coming
I just need endure

even in the darkness i have allies it seems, and of the most strange kind and for the most strange of reasons
a strange one indeed
Do not let your dreeam been a pawn in someone else

My dream

i had a dream

Misthollow, Nhul, Guldorand, i always served for reach a dream

But i asked for them
I asked for knighthood
i do not have to ask
i have to demand

Whathever offer the vampire have for me, i will not accept it,

Sune...
If you still hear me
May your beuty ligth me in this land of darkness
i need you once more
I beg you to take me back in your grace
If i will die here
let it be under your blessing, knowing i defended what is good and pure in the realms.

Honor is all
Chivarly is all

[gordan]

((The following pages are written with some strange coal ))

Diary

This will be my last page

How long i walked this land with the hope of lady Misthollow return? how long did i dreamed knighthood? i do not know,
I sense my time is near, i know when they will open this cages i will die, or i will not be the same again

Whoever will find this diary, may you know that this is Aedan

Retainer of Cordor

Traitor of Nhuls

Brother in arms of the Radiant heart

Constable of Guldorand

And as such i want to be remember

*The diary is left in a corner of
Underdark Saltspar Prison *